The Peacemaking People Pleaser

and why I need to stop

I am sitting on the floor of my apartment staring at the wall that our TV currently sits on. Below the TV is a console table that we bought from IKEA and a small collection of lint.

Our walls are some sort of taupe-gray situation that I hate, and we have a random collection of frames in random colors that host black and white photos, pencil sketches and a painting of a chateau.

I have been lying on this floor thinking about how to bring everything together for about two months.

I have gone from being a minimalist, to colorful pieces, to boho, to a now more authentic me styled home that is what I like to call a cozy modernism: clean walls comprised of modern minimal art, simple planes filled with evocative, handmade and sometimes rustic materials, and a love of deep colors.

That is my goal at least. I’m not there yet but I am headed in the right direction.

You have to say, ‘Yes I like that color. No, I want my sofa a little firmer.’ This is a difficult thing for me, I am more of a partnership person.

Designing for oneself is actually a really difficult thing to do. Most people would assume it’s because you actually have to live with the items you are choosing, but for the most part, that isn’t the problem. The problem is actually considering your likes over the likes of other people in the space. Does that make sense?

I don’t mean to sound vain or pretentious but you have to be a little pushy with your likes and dislikes when doing it, which I am not. You have to say, “Yes I like that color.” “No, I want my sofa a little firmer.” This is a difficult thing for me, I am more of a partnership person.

I love working with other people, I love collaborating, I love having two people come together to make something cool and amazing, AND omg I just described becoming a parent. All that to say, I am a person who will yield to another person in order to “keep the peace”.

The peacemaker often causes a backfire. I know that’s not always a true statement but in my case it is. The number of times I have bought furniture or picked out fabric or made a decision considering the other person solely regarding style, within a month or two I have had to go about returning the items.

Morgan hates it.

I hate it.

And after returning yet another couch we are finally getting one upholstered to suit my style and his comfort perfectly.

It’s kind of frustrating knowing that you are this type of person and yet not knowing how to change that fact. Is that something you can actually change?

For almost all of my life, I have been operating on the premise that I am a people pleaser and that was just my mutable appendage that lay beside me causing me bouts of happiness and pain. Maybe I’ve been operating on the premise that my “personality” is based off pleasing other people, like a mutable appendage it has stayed attached to me creating tension in every aspect of my life. Maybe, there is some sort of way to grow past it. Maybe the magic is in the tension unwittingly created between who we are and who we want to be.

My sister is someone that I think has no real people pleasing bone in her body, however, all of us in some way want to appeal and appease others around us.

I know these are ramblings into gray areas but these gray areas make up a majority of our life. Down to even choosing bed sheets. Do we choose the 1000 count satin sheets because we want them, or do we choose the 300 count cotton sheets because they are a better price and that would make the person managing the finances happier?

So here I am, now lying on the floor staring up at the frames trying to decide what to do with all of this. What do I like? What does Morgan like? What will look nice styled? What would make a good picture? Will people respond on social media? How many likes will it get?

I get up, and take each picture frame down and take out my paintbrush and the sample paint that is the color of our walls and paint over each frame. Ringing affirmative, my decision.

This is a blog post, right?

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